Forever Afflicted

Today marks the day,
The moments,
Where I relive each occasion
With reminiscent tears
And nightmarish persuasion
I numb the pain
Let reason invade
My mind as to why,
How,
I had lived through this
Surreal hallucination
Now,

All that remains,
Are unanswered questions, like...

Was I strong enough...
…To care for you?
Was I worthy enough...
…To carry you?

The thought of knowing who you were
Had escaped me
Before I even knew you existed
And having belatedly seen
How this has affected me,
It's shown me a type of pain
Only bereaved mothers know of
And never fully recover from
Forever afflicted

Who
Can really point fingers and
Self inflict blame
Except you
It comes upon you naturally
On guilty parties and
Already bruised womb
The ache never ceases,
And pain never subdues.
Never knowing why
Never given the chance
To choose you.

j.sanjuan

**This poem is dedicated to all women who have experienced the pain and loss of losing a child, through miscarriage, or any other sort of circumstance beyond our control and choices.  I share this with you; I survive this with you. It's been 9 years.  Writing about this for the first time brought some kind of healing.  Poetry has always brought me solace.  With what I create, simultaneously saves me.  And from this experience, for whom I create, never failingly watches over me.  Here's to our angels...

Breakfast (Unspoken Word)

Over breakfast…
No sound was uttered
No word was said
Just an overwhelming feeling of
Pleasurable elation and
Sensual contentment
I,
In the morning light,
Was beamin
Feelin like
You were feelin it too
Coffee brewin
And the fusion of
Breakfast tastes and lewd menus had
Somehow mimicked our bodies
Brown sugar and honey
Milk, cream and cinnamon
Were mixed in with the scents
From our skin
Senses honed in
Erogenous in nature
Erotic enough to awaken
The memories of what just took place...
Last night
Rounds one, two, three, four and five…
We broke the tension and the strife 
Hence the smile upon my face
And the rouge above my grin
Body drenched with sweat and anticipation
For rounds six, seven,
Eight...nine…
And ten to begin
Your taste was mine
And still lingers on my lips...
Over breakfast
We sit
I take a sip of my beverage
And allow my tongue to savor
In your aftertaste
Breathing in flavors ecstasy-laced;
Waiting for exhalation
Eyes making love
While still holding conversation
Withholding nothing but
Our appetites and desires to quench
Sexual dehydration
Our early morning fixation
An exchange of pure exhilaration
Resulting in the most
Delectable taste sensation
While breaking bread
Over breakfast

-j.sanjuan

Into The Dark

  

No one ever said

That this ride would be easy…

We’re so drawn towards the light

Of happiness and elated feelings

Of lazy lust mornings

Of warm afternoons and

Sex craved evenings

That we’re made blind to the fact that

Into the dark

We’re quietly and

Knowingly journeying

So

Come take my hand

Even though

You might be unaware of the fact

That at times I might let go

But don’t

Dare lose focus

Lessen your faith in us

Be oblivious

Be slight

Become blind to hindsight

Because

Here within lies…

Heartache and anguish

Transforming into madness

Into the limelight shines

Regrets and unspoken sadness

Our once beautiful unification

Becomes torturous irritation

Trial and tribulation

We take

Emotional lacerations

We are

Bleeding unfaithful hearts

Resulted from

Miscarriage and mortification

We scar

We grin and bear it

Pressures of judgement and

Monogamous stipulations

Family and friends expectations

Of “how come”

And their opinions on

“Why you two never made it”

Fuck it

FUCK IT ALL

We all

Seem to want to take the easy way out

But if you knew beforehand

That this is what’s in store

That this is what’s planned for us

Would you still take my hand and

Journey into the dark?

No one ever says that this road is easy…

But everyone says...

...It’s just hard.