Forever Afflicted

Today marks the day,
The moments,
Where I relive each occasion
With reminiscent tears
And nightmarish persuasion
I numb the pain
Let reason invade
My mind as to why,
How,
I had lived through this
Surreal hallucination
Now,

All that remains,
Are unanswered questions, like...

Was I strong enough...
…To care for you?
Was I worthy enough...
…To carry you?

The thought of knowing who you were
Had escaped me
Before I even knew you existed
And having belatedly seen
How this has affected me,
It's shown me a type of pain
Only bereaved mothers know of
And never fully recover from
Forever afflicted

Who
Can really point fingers and
Self inflict blame
Except you
It comes upon you naturally
On guilty parties and
Already bruised womb
The ache never ceases,
And pain never subdues.
Never knowing why
Never given the chance
To choose you.

j.sanjuan

**This poem is dedicated to all women who have experienced the pain and loss of losing a child, through miscarriage, or any other sort of circumstance beyond our control and choices.  I share this with you; I survive this with you. It's been 9 years.  Writing about this for the first time brought some kind of healing.  Poetry has always brought me solace.  With what I create, simultaneously saves me.  And from this experience, for whom I create, never failingly watches over me.  Here's to our angels...

Breakfast (Unspoken Word)

Over breakfast…
No sound was uttered
No word was said
Just an overwhelming feeling of
Pleasurable elation and
Sensual contentment
I,
In the morning light,
Was beamin
Feelin like
You were feelin it too
Coffee brewin
And the fusion of
Breakfast tastes and lewd menus had
Somehow mimicked our bodies
Brown sugar and honey
Milk, cream and cinnamon
Were mixed in with the scents
From our skin
Senses honed in
Erogenous in nature
Erotic enough to awaken
The memories of what just took place...
Last night
Rounds one, two, three, four and five…
We broke the tension and the strife 
Hence the smile upon my face
And the rouge above my grin
Body drenched with sweat and anticipation
For rounds six, seven,
Eight...nine…
And ten to begin
Your taste was mine
And still lingers on my lips...
Over breakfast
We sit
I take a sip of my beverage
And allow my tongue to savor
In your aftertaste
Breathing in flavors ecstasy-laced;
Waiting for exhalation
Eyes making love
While still holding conversation
Withholding nothing but
Our appetites and desires to quench
Sexual dehydration
Our early morning fixation
An exchange of pure exhilaration
Resulting in the most
Delectable taste sensation
While breaking bread
Over breakfast

-j.sanjuan

Into The Dark

  

No one ever said

That this ride would be easy…

We’re so drawn towards the light

Of happiness and elated feelings

Of lazy lust mornings

Of warm afternoons and

Sex craved evenings

That we’re made blind to the fact that

Into the dark

We’re quietly and

Knowingly journeying

So

Come take my hand

Even though

You might be unaware of the fact

That at times I might let go

But don’t

Dare lose focus

Lessen your faith in us

Be oblivious

Be slight

Become blind to hindsight

Because

Here within lies…

Heartache and anguish

Transforming into madness

Into the limelight shines

Regrets and unspoken sadness

Our once beautiful unification

Becomes torturous irritation

Trial and tribulation

We take

Emotional lacerations

We are

Bleeding unfaithful hearts

Resulted from

Miscarriage and mortification

We scar

We grin and bear it

Pressures of judgement and

Monogamous stipulations

Family and friends expectations

Of “how come”

And their opinions on

“Why you two never made it”

Fuck it

FUCK IT ALL

We all

Seem to want to take the easy way out

But if you knew beforehand

That this is what’s in store

That this is what’s planned for us

Would you still take my hand and

Journey into the dark?

No one ever says that this road is easy…

But everyone says...

...It’s just hard.

micropoetry session

Your touch
Propells me
Compells me
To transcend
Corporeality

micropoetry - sixwords

I erased every trace of you...


 

 ...and still I let you linger.

micropoetry - sixwords

Love blindly speaks when you call.

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I heard once that
The right person
At the wrong time
Is still the wrong person.
Missing you worsens.
But missing you doesn't warrant
Deserving to be with you.
Neither does it mean
That you miss me too.

micropoetry session

Create in me
Room
For me to be
Consumed
By your need
To be
Used

micropoetry - sixwords

Prove me wrong. Show me different.

micropoetry - sixwords

Morning light sweeps over your absence.

micropoetry session

This melancholy you supply
Does not subjugate me
It facilitates to
Emancipate me

micropoetry - sixwords

Wrap me with your word rapture.

micropoetry - sixwords

You'll forever stay on my mind.

micropoetry session

Stimulate a conversation
Between 
Your unadulterated schemes
And my need 
For
Infatuated 
Consummation.

micropoetry session

Brave with faith
To revolutionalize minds with me.
Scribe the sublime with me.
Incite enticement with me.

micropoetry session

I traced lines with my fingertips
Ones that I've memorized
The shape of your body with.
Wantonly
Yearning and aching
For
Concreteness.

micropoetry session

Question the intention

Of selfish love and evil aggression.

But nevertheless

Never lessen

To love those who
Love selfless

Who continue to 
Reside beside you

Through life's tests and

Limitless lessons.

micropoetry session

Invest in me
Whatever you see fit.
And I'll see to it
That you've spent your moments wisely
With all that is intuitively
Vested in me.

micorpoetry session - 2lines

Lessen your stresses.
Coalesce your presence with me.

Conversations

Sometimes, once in a while in your life, you need to step back and appreciate things as they are. Good and bad. Choosing to let go or not. Choosing to remember or not. Just be thankful that whatever it is, that it happened.
Because being in the midst of beauty such as this, there is no need to dispute the whys. It just IS.
Blessings to you all.

A Poet's Words

You can tie me up

Blindfold me
Have me bound or
Up against the wall
Strip me of all
My layers
Make me

Vulnerable
And silence me
Do to me

What you will
Make me think

That I am worthless
Cheap
A girl to be punished
Physically
You can restrain me
Hold me down

Inhibit or detain me
But spiritually
I will never stray
My words

Penetrate

Ejaculate
Impregnate
Your shallow state
Of mentality
You can never take away
My vernacular virginity
What is embedded in me
You can never go as deep
As these words
Cumming out of me

-j.sanjuan

Give Me U

If I
Give
U
Me
Would you receive me?
Allow me
Or
Give me permission to be in your midst
To enter into your compass 
Be within your reach
Come into your view
Cross the threshold of your consciousness
Assimilate into your presence
Become part of your vocabulary
Entertain your masculinity
Feel the sensitivity of your skin
The density of your being

If I
Give
U
Me
I could heighten your disposition
Revive your mind set
Take your burdens and stresses
All the tension I would lessen
I could set off a realization
An awareness within your essence
I am not here to take away what you already know
About yourself and change it
Turn you into somebody that you can hardly identify with
No
I am too complacent with your common sense
Your place, your spirit and yes, even your scent
Gain status in my heart and create strong sentiment to simple things
Yes, I replay it
Every conversation in my head
Every smile that comes to my face
Every beat pounding out of my chest
And every void that you seem to have filled in my space
You give me no other way to convey it
You present yourself so unadulterated
People like you are so rare to find and so underrated
Underestimated
Elevated is my mind every time we communicate
Elated by the mere presence of your station
And yes it’s true
You never instigate any cause for complications
We are 
Two personalities both one and the same
You authenticate all that is real and true for me
And I promise that
If I
Give 
U
Me
That I swear I would do the same

Give
Me
U
And trust that it won’t all be in vain
Let me enter into your circle
Flow into your respected space
Create want for your desire
Hold you down when you need to maintain
Put aside
Our restlessness
Further engage
Our oneness

All you have to do is
Give
Me
U


  
-j.sanjuan